This Common Dog Training Advice Actually Applies To Couples, Too

If you’ve ever felt like you have to chase your partner in a fight, you’re not alone.

Nathaniel, who’s been married for three years, said he and his wife communicate very differently. He asks for reassurance, a request that she perceives as criticism. In turn, she tends to shut down and go quiet when he starts talking faster and louder.

“I’ve had to learn not to chase her, because chasing only makes her retreat further,” he told HuffPost. “While it’s important to have a conversation, it’s not worth us hurting each other.”

If you’ve been in a situation like this, you can see why it’s tempting to chase your partner. You’d react the same way if your dog ran off at the park. But any dog trainer will tell you that chasing is a mistake. Your dog might think it’s a game and keep running.

Similarly, in romantic relationships, your partner might shut down the more you chase them. As it turns out, this is a very common cycle couples find themselves in, Sabrina Romanoff, a licensed clinical psychologist and professor at Yeshiva University, told HuffPost. “We call it the pursue-withdraw cycle and it usually develops over time.”

Ahead, we asked Romanoff and another relationship expert to break down the pursue-withdraw cycle, why it’s harmful to your relationship, and what to do instead.

According to Romanoff, the pursue-withdraw cycle typically starts when one person, the pursuer, feels disconnected from their partner. Rather than being vulnerable and asking for what they need, they pursue their partner with judgment, blame or criticism. “This pushes their partner further away, instead of bringing them the connection and security they’re seeking,” she said.

Danny, who recently got engaged to his partner of almost nine years, is familiar with this cycle. When he and Eddie first started dating, they would have a lot of disagreements. “It was really difficult because we were two different people trying to get to know each other,” he told HuffPost.

He described Eddie as having a strong personality and himself as the quieter one in the relationship. Sometimes, when they argued, Eddie would say, “I don’t feel like talking right now. You need to give me space. I’ll talk to you when I feel better.” Danny had the opposite reaction, preferring to hash things out right away.

Sometimes, this need for harmony or emotional security is motivated by a fear of abandonment, Mindy DeSeta, a Miami-based psychologist, relationship and sexual health expert, told HuffPost. In such cases, the pursuer will settle for attention, even when it’s negative, rather than risk feeling ignored or abandoned.

The partner being pursued (the withdrawer) often feels overwhelmed or emotionally flooded, so they hide to protect themselves. “The more their partner chases them, the further they run,” Romanoff said. In Nathaniel’s case, he said his wife tends to withdraw by pulling her shoulders to her ears or moving away from him.

When the withdrawer feels like they’re not in control of their emotions and behaviors, they tend to shut down or storm off during an argument. “For some people, walking away is their way of preventing themselves from saying or doing something that they will regret,” DeSeta said. “This space allows them time to process their emotions, gather their thoughts, and return to their partner with a clearer head.”

For Danny and Eddie, storming off is no longer an option. “As we grew into the relationship, we learned to communicate,” he said. “If I’m not good and you’re not good, then we’re going to project that to the world.” Now, when they argue, they set aside 15 minutes to talk about what’s bothering them or agree to return to the conversation after a certain amount of time.

After a fight, the pursuer might rush to apologize or make up with their partner. Often, this behavior is prompted by the discomfort of arguing rather than the issue they’re fighting about, DeSeta explained. “When one partner walks away or becomes cold, some people read that as threatening to the relationship and feel they must immediately smooth things over.”

Romanoff agreed, adding that people who are quick to resolve arguments have difficulty tolerating threats to their relationship. They tend to sweep issues under the rug and prioritize maintaining harmony over having honest conversations. Usually, that’s because the pursuer feels like their attachment or connection with their partner is at risk. “So, they make a bid, albeit a negative one, to restore that connection,” she said.

DeSeta added that making up isn’t the same as understanding what went wrong and learning from it. The pursuer might agree to anything to end the argument and make the relationship feel secure again. The downside is that the problem does not get resolved, and the pursue-withdraw cycle repeats.

The pursue-withdraw cycle isn’t a healthy way to handle disagreements. When the pursuer feels rejected, they chase even harder, prompting the withdrawer to turn inward even more, DeSeta explained. As this cycle continues, both partners are left feeling alone and misunderstood.

Although this cycle isn’t helpful, it doesn’t necessarily spell the end of your relationship. “This is merely a co-constructed pattern that both people contribute to, and therefore, both have the power to change,” Romanoff said. “For example, if the withdrawer can find the strength to stay present and not pull away emotionally from their partner, the pursuer can usually soften their approach and, in turn, be less critical and share the more tender and vulnerable feelings beneath their pursuit.”

In addition, couples can work on identifying unhelpful patterns and interrupting them in the moment. They can take back control and choose a different way of relating to each other, she said. DeSeta agreed, saying it’s important for couples to create a recovery plan that includes how to communicate without making the other person feel pressured or abandoned.

If you recognize the pursue-withdraw cycle in your relationship, try to pause before engaging with your partner. “One or two deep breaths can calm your nervous system and keep your emotions in control,” DeSeta said. “Remind yourself that your partner is not abandoning you.” They’re probably feeling overwhelmed and need time to calm down.

When emotions are running high, it’s easy to fixate on your partner’s behavior. You also need to consider how you react when your partner shuts down or walks away. “Having the capacity and skill to recognize your tendency to chase, attack, or argue when they shut down is half the battle,” Romanoff said. Her advice was to observe what’s happening and resist the impulse to blame or criticize your partner.

If you’re too angry or upset to speak right away, DeSeta suggested telling your partner, “I need 20 minutes to calm down” or “I would love to resolve this, but I may need a few minutes to gather my thoughts.” This is a much healthier way to communicate than storming off or shutting down.

The next step is to create a recovery plan. De Seta recommended sitting down with your partner and creating some ground rules for communicating. As the withdrawer, you could have a word like “pause” or “break” that you say out loud when you need to stop the conversation. A word like pause signals to the pursuer that you need space to collect your thoughts.

She also suggested revisiting the conversation between 30 minutes and 24 hours after the initial dispute. That way, the withdrawer has time to regroup, and the pursuer has a clear sense of when a reconciliation is possible. Romanoff agreed, adding that issues are likely to resurface unless you address them within a reasonable time frame.

When you revisit the conversation, stay focused on finding a solution or compromise rather than being right, De Seta said. Your partner isn’t the enemy. Instead, the goal is to try to understand how your partner is feeling and what they need from you. You should both feel heard, even when you disagree.